Fear is a funny thing. There are times when I can forge ahead and nothing will stop me. Other times when I can barely put my toes in the water to test the temperature. It seems I am at the 'toes phase' currently. Getting a little nervous about the trip in July to CR. Am I strong enough? Will I be exhausted or exhilarated?
Then Christopher and Kelly have booked me on their flight with Jordan to Spain in April 2012. Jordan and I will sit together, and hopefully sleep most of the flight. Well, less than a year to prepare for Spain and Portugal. Pretty exciting.
And, as my health seems to be faltering, I wonder if this is at all wise to be flying around the world on adventures in my 60's that I couldn't do in my 20's. I can't stop until I can't walk. Period.
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Saturday, May 28, 2011
What Goes Up Must Come Down...spinning wheel turning round and round
This past week has been so full that by today, Saturday, I have zippo energy and everything in my body aches. I am slowly accepting the fact that I have two incurable diseases now. GD and FMS. I never thought of this happening in my life.
While I've always been a 'sensitive' to negative energy (which equates to stress) around me, I am convinced it was because of working at The Art Institute, especially for an unreasonable manager, that I met the demise of my old life.
On Jon Stewart's show on Thursday, I caught the tail-end of an interview with an author, Jon Ronson, who wrote the book "The Psychopath Test: A Journey through the Madness." He claims that 4% of people in corporations are psychopaths. He said one guy, in jail now and a diagnosed psychopath, he interviewed claimed it was really important for people to like him. When asked why, he said that once he was able to convince someone to like him, he could manipulate them.
You may think this is off-the-wall, but now I understand my old boss better. This was an executive who pinched pennies to a fault, not only in the work environment but also personally. He and his girlfriend rented a house in Burien that had rats (he told a friend of mine there who also reports to him) and they had to either have the heat on in winter without TV, or watch TV and wear sweaters and blankets to keep warm since these blew the fuse (he told me directly) when both were on at the same time. Is this a normal person? I think not. He was totally manipulative with employees trying to be liked (hence, flip off an employee behind her back to show off to my employee who he ended up promoting to my position after getting rid of me).
The man is probably a psychopath.
Today I am having second thoughts of Costa Rica, for the first time since all the conversations started. Can my body take the extra discomfort from living there, although the warmth will be good for me on the other hand. Should I go ahead and apply for Disability. Can I leave the country and still be on Disability. Will my home mortgage modification loan go through. My American Express protection plan kicked in this morning and they paid over 4k of my debt retroactive when I first left the school. What a lovely surprise to wake up to on my computer this morning. "Payment posted to your account." repeated 14-15 times.Thank you, God, whomever you are.
But it was a bad day for my body today and I had to tell Max that unexpectedly taking Gabriel tonight just wasn't a good thing for me. I have to have some rest and sort out my brain a bit. The 'fibro fog' is certainly a real thing according to everyone on line! Hope it's not a precursor to Alzheimer's...
What happens if I'm in CR and I can't move around very well. Wheelchair access is not incorporated into their style of living. Maybe if I lived there I'd be cured and be able to move around better than ever. I just feel wrung out and lacking in confidence today. I think that is allowed.
And, Christopher, Kelly, and Jordan, are going to Spain and Portugal in spring and said I could 'bounce' around with them if I could keep up. And, flights out of CR are ridiculously expensive. But, a thought of renting a home base there where I could stay and they could take trips to, is a possibility, too. All depends on what is up with me in the springtime.
Had coffee with the woman I met online who lives on Vashon and is planning a trip to CR via Nova Scotia (where my father's family settled for a time after coming from Scotland) and sailing down the eastern seaboard.They are my age and were going to Berkeley the same time I was giving birth to Christopher in San Francisco. Their children are in their 20's and mine in their 40's (Jasmine just turned 39, so she is close). It'll be interesting to keep up with their trip reports.
Today's quote by me: "Give oneself permission to be still and be strong enough to say 'no' when the time for your healing dictates that you can only take care of yourself for now, quietly."
While I've always been a 'sensitive' to negative energy (which equates to stress) around me, I am convinced it was because of working at The Art Institute, especially for an unreasonable manager, that I met the demise of my old life.
On Jon Stewart's show on Thursday, I caught the tail-end of an interview with an author, Jon Ronson, who wrote the book "The Psychopath Test: A Journey through the Madness." He claims that 4% of people in corporations are psychopaths. He said one guy, in jail now and a diagnosed psychopath, he interviewed claimed it was really important for people to like him. When asked why, he said that once he was able to convince someone to like him, he could manipulate them.
You may think this is off-the-wall, but now I understand my old boss better. This was an executive who pinched pennies to a fault, not only in the work environment but also personally. He and his girlfriend rented a house in Burien that had rats (he told a friend of mine there who also reports to him) and they had to either have the heat on in winter without TV, or watch TV and wear sweaters and blankets to keep warm since these blew the fuse (he told me directly) when both were on at the same time. Is this a normal person? I think not. He was totally manipulative with employees trying to be liked (hence, flip off an employee behind her back to show off to my employee who he ended up promoting to my position after getting rid of me).
The man is probably a psychopath.
Today I am having second thoughts of Costa Rica, for the first time since all the conversations started. Can my body take the extra discomfort from living there, although the warmth will be good for me on the other hand. Should I go ahead and apply for Disability. Can I leave the country and still be on Disability. Will my home mortgage modification loan go through. My American Express protection plan kicked in this morning and they paid over 4k of my debt retroactive when I first left the school. What a lovely surprise to wake up to on my computer this morning. "Payment posted to your account." repeated 14-15 times.Thank you, God, whomever you are.
But it was a bad day for my body today and I had to tell Max that unexpectedly taking Gabriel tonight just wasn't a good thing for me. I have to have some rest and sort out my brain a bit. The 'fibro fog' is certainly a real thing according to everyone on line! Hope it's not a precursor to Alzheimer's...
What happens if I'm in CR and I can't move around very well. Wheelchair access is not incorporated into their style of living. Maybe if I lived there I'd be cured and be able to move around better than ever. I just feel wrung out and lacking in confidence today. I think that is allowed.
And, Christopher, Kelly, and Jordan, are going to Spain and Portugal in spring and said I could 'bounce' around with them if I could keep up. And, flights out of CR are ridiculously expensive. But, a thought of renting a home base there where I could stay and they could take trips to, is a possibility, too. All depends on what is up with me in the springtime.
Had coffee with the woman I met online who lives on Vashon and is planning a trip to CR via Nova Scotia (where my father's family settled for a time after coming from Scotland) and sailing down the eastern seaboard.They are my age and were going to Berkeley the same time I was giving birth to Christopher in San Francisco. Their children are in their 20's and mine in their 40's (Jasmine just turned 39, so she is close). It'll be interesting to keep up with their trip reports.
Today's quote by me: "Give oneself permission to be still and be strong enough to say 'no' when the time for your healing dictates that you can only take care of yourself for now, quietly."
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
We're Only Given as Much as We Can Handle...really?
This week I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia along with already having GD. Well, guess that explains the shooting pains, muscle aches, and additional fatigue. The rheumatologist gave me some non-narcotic pain meds which I can take as-needed. Today I went to Nordstrom for their Half-Yearly sale and I couldn't stand being there for more than a half hour. Came home and slept for 2 hours. Oy.
Am having coffee on Friday with a local woman I met on one of the CR forums who is also considering a move to CR. I'm looking forward to talking with her. She will also be a 'pensionado.'
Was also in touch with the owner from the 2nd house my son rented near Dominical and he found out from Jose', the caretaker, that he got the photos I sent him. Scott also said we'd be sort of "neighbors." A friend laughed at me for already networking before I'm even there. You betcha!
Got in touch with one of those moving "Pod" companies. Looks expensive, though. I'll have to weigh out all the pros and cons later. Paying $200/month for storage is crazy. Unless it is very short-term. Unlike our stuff in Boulder which was stored for 15 years! Now it's all in Christopher's garage. We need to just sell it all, except the Asian keepsakes.
So much to do....and think about.
Am having coffee on Friday with a local woman I met on one of the CR forums who is also considering a move to CR. I'm looking forward to talking with her. She will also be a 'pensionado.'
Was also in touch with the owner from the 2nd house my son rented near Dominical and he found out from Jose', the caretaker, that he got the photos I sent him. Scott also said we'd be sort of "neighbors." A friend laughed at me for already networking before I'm even there. You betcha!
Got in touch with one of those moving "Pod" companies. Looks expensive, though. I'll have to weigh out all the pros and cons later. Paying $200/month for storage is crazy. Unless it is very short-term. Unlike our stuff in Boulder which was stored for 15 years! Now it's all in Christopher's garage. We need to just sell it all, except the Asian keepsakes.
So much to do....and think about.
Friday, May 20, 2011
Was Excited About the 10 minutes of 70 Degree Weather Today
Thanks to some warmer weather in the Northwest, I was able to get my deck and flower pots cleaned off and ready for summer. To think that this is exciting! If I was in CR, I would be in 70-80+ weather every day. Would I get tired of that? Would I miss the seasons?
With today's research, I realized I could ship my things via a container, if I chose to do so. Signed up for an interesting site called ARCR. Lots of info on moving to CR. I read further on the 'pensionada' status and looks like I'd have to pay a $950 registration fee for that permanent status. Renews every 3 years, as I recall. Or, just leave the country every 3 months for at least 72 hours. Have to weigh which would really cost more. Sounds like a hassle to leave every 3 months, even if it is an adventure.
Then, I also thought about the option of living in the States during summer and in CR during our winters. 6 months on and 6 months off. But, that would mean living with my son, daughter-in-law, granddaughter which they may not be too excited about. Not sure I would either since their current place isn't that comfortable for me, especially for a long-term stay.
There is a lot to think about. And, as the weather warms up here, I wish I could afford to live in my condo long term, too. Just isn't looking good. And, what about my Graves Disease. My eyes are bothering me more than usual. Gives me pause for concern.
On the other hand, there is the adage: Follow your bliss. Life is short.
With today's research, I realized I could ship my things via a container, if I chose to do so. Signed up for an interesting site called ARCR. Lots of info on moving to CR. I read further on the 'pensionada' status and looks like I'd have to pay a $950 registration fee for that permanent status. Renews every 3 years, as I recall. Or, just leave the country every 3 months for at least 72 hours. Have to weigh which would really cost more. Sounds like a hassle to leave every 3 months, even if it is an adventure.
Then, I also thought about the option of living in the States during summer and in CR during our winters. 6 months on and 6 months off. But, that would mean living with my son, daughter-in-law, granddaughter which they may not be too excited about. Not sure I would either since their current place isn't that comfortable for me, especially for a long-term stay.
There is a lot to think about. And, as the weather warms up here, I wish I could afford to live in my condo long term, too. Just isn't looking good. And, what about my Graves Disease. My eyes are bothering me more than usual. Gives me pause for concern.
On the other hand, there is the adage: Follow your bliss. Life is short.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Water Temps Here Are No Comparison to There
Beautiful day in the Northwest today so armed with flip-flops, khaki shorts, and shirts with no jackets, Gabriel and I hit the beach. I forgot to check the tide chart so I was shocked to come upon low tide on a warm sunny day (last time it was cold enough for hoodies). It was packed with people but luckily we were able to squeeze into a very tight parking spot next to a cordoned off area where they had just repainted the parking spots.
Gabriel and I had a little walk to the playground and beach meeting a purebred shepherd named "Ava." I was surprised that 5 1/2 year old Gabriel was too nervous to pet Ava, which also surprised me. He later said he didn't like 'big' dogs. I didn't think Ava was that big. But, then again, I'm not 3 1/2 feet tall (I think that's about his height). It's all in the perspective, isn't it?
We walked out in the wet sand and in the water far out from the 'normal' beach that we are used to. The water temperature was freezing cold, especially comparing it to Costa Rica. There is no comparison. I think I am having a love affair with CR. ha...
Heard from Jan yesterday morning and we were able to clarify our living arrangements in Costa Rica. She asks that I don't have a bunch of people and kids coming to stay with me there. And, that she figures eventually, once I meet people, I will find my own place. I was so relieved to read her email. This means she won't be having gobs of people staying, either! We'll both still have the peace and quiet we currently enjoy. This conversation reaffirmed that we are in a similar space. Her latest painting, an abstract of all things, was pretty cool. A friend of hers put a poem and music to the painting and it was a perfect performance piece. All about broken hearts... (Hope CR doesn't break mine.)
I recently had a dream of a very big storm that everyone was anticipating and trying to find cover. It was very eerie. This Saturday, Jasmine's birthday, is supposed to be the day of "The Rapture." Jesus is supposed to appear and the world may come to an end. I have a very busy day making a birthday dinner and cake for Jasmine, so, Saturday, May 21, 2011, is not convenient for me. I think I read that on Sunday, May 22, Los Angeles should expect an earthquake. Arnold is having an affair, and the IMF chief from France was caught with the hotel's maid. Financial experts are predicting another crisis in 2014 since these things apparently run every 7 years.
Maybe this is the end of the world with people just falling apart. Doomsday theorists and the unfaithful married men. Or is it just all arrogance and ignorance?
Gabriel and I had a little walk to the playground and beach meeting a purebred shepherd named "Ava." I was surprised that 5 1/2 year old Gabriel was too nervous to pet Ava, which also surprised me. He later said he didn't like 'big' dogs. I didn't think Ava was that big. But, then again, I'm not 3 1/2 feet tall (I think that's about his height). It's all in the perspective, isn't it?
We walked out in the wet sand and in the water far out from the 'normal' beach that we are used to. The water temperature was freezing cold, especially comparing it to Costa Rica. There is no comparison. I think I am having a love affair with CR. ha...
Heard from Jan yesterday morning and we were able to clarify our living arrangements in Costa Rica. She asks that I don't have a bunch of people and kids coming to stay with me there. And, that she figures eventually, once I meet people, I will find my own place. I was so relieved to read her email. This means she won't be having gobs of people staying, either! We'll both still have the peace and quiet we currently enjoy. This conversation reaffirmed that we are in a similar space. Her latest painting, an abstract of all things, was pretty cool. A friend of hers put a poem and music to the painting and it was a perfect performance piece. All about broken hearts... (Hope CR doesn't break mine.)
I recently had a dream of a very big storm that everyone was anticipating and trying to find cover. It was very eerie. This Saturday, Jasmine's birthday, is supposed to be the day of "The Rapture." Jesus is supposed to appear and the world may come to an end. I have a very busy day making a birthday dinner and cake for Jasmine, so, Saturday, May 21, 2011, is not convenient for me. I think I read that on Sunday, May 22, Los Angeles should expect an earthquake. Arnold is having an affair, and the IMF chief from France was caught with the hotel's maid. Financial experts are predicting another crisis in 2014 since these things apparently run every 7 years.
Maybe this is the end of the world with people just falling apart. Doomsday theorists and the unfaithful married men. Or is it just all arrogance and ignorance?
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Take a Deep Breath
That's what my awesome new pulmonary doctor said today, "Take a deep breath." And he gave me over $300 worth of new inhaler medicine for free. He was a good listener and asked pertinent questions. What a relief to finally have someone sound like they know what they're doing and like what they are doing, as well. He mentioned to the student nurse in the room that my eyes have been affected by Graves Disease and are bulging and asked me if it was a good day or bad day for my eyes. Well, obviously a bad day if they are freakin' bulging! Tonight they are stinging and watering a little. Arrgggh.
Tonight I've been reading blogs by expats in Costa Rica. One person said that she and her husband prefer the rainy season to the dry season, which is opposite from what I've always heard from others. Not that I have met a vast number of people who have had an opinion. Anyway, the blogs are interesting.
I need all the information I can gather but also know that it will be my own experience in July which will determine the feeling I get from being in CR. Oh, read that San Isidro has a good music scene at night. That was cool to hear. Wonder what kind of music...mariachi's? Kidding.
Tonight I've been reading blogs by expats in Costa Rica. One person said that she and her husband prefer the rainy season to the dry season, which is opposite from what I've always heard from others. Not that I have met a vast number of people who have had an opinion. Anyway, the blogs are interesting.
I need all the information I can gather but also know that it will be my own experience in July which will determine the feeling I get from being in CR. Oh, read that San Isidro has a good music scene at night. That was cool to hear. Wonder what kind of music...mariachi's? Kidding.
Monday, May 16, 2011
Are Our Choices What Make Us Change or Do We Change for Our Choices
Today not only did I sign up for new health insurance which costs a fortune, but most importantly, I spoke with my almost 39 year old daughter about the possibility that I may be moving to Costa Rica. She took it much better than expected. Jasmine said Gabriel would miss me and she'll miss my help, which I presume is the time I spend with him, and the nights he stays over from the time he was so young. She also said there would be no way she'd let him travel alone to Costa Rica to see me. He'd have to go with someone. Then I told my son-in-law when he woke up (I was at their house) and he asked if I was selling my condo and why I am not moving to Italy instead (which is where his family is from). I can move forward now without this weight on my shoulders. Having secrets from my kids is difficult for me. Now I must talk with my mother and former mother-in-law. But, I think those conversations will probably be all right since they both know me so well and assumed I'd be moving to CR when I got back from the February trip.
Another thought crossing my mind today was to short-sell my condo since I owe more than what it is worth now, and maybe I should just use the settlement to put down on a place in Costa Rica. But I really need to spend more time there before making that leap, that's for sure.
Yesterday I heard from yet another old friend from Southern Oregon, who now lives in Santa Cruz. Dor was disappointed that I wasn't moving to Santa Cruz to rent a house together but I said it was too expensive there. All-in-all, she's happy to know she can visit me in CR.
Looking around my condo and seeing all my stuff is overwhelming. I'll have pack and store and sell so much. Why can't I just settle down and grow old somewhere comfortable and stop my gypsy ways of moving around. I've lived in San Francisco and Pleasant Hill, California; Wolf Creek and Grants Pass, Oregon; Boulder, Colorado; Seattle and Edmonds, Washington. Oh, and a month in Venice, Italy. Man, that's a whole different story.
I'm glad to have had these experiences but wonder what would have happened if I had stayed put in one of those places so that now I would have that comfortable, and paid for, place to grow old. Choices we make in our lives follow us for the rest of our lives. There are always repercussions. Cause and effect. Lessons to be learned. New friends to love. Personally, I don't think I would have been happy to stay in one place for all my life. There is too much of the world I want to experience. Even now at my age. My is body getting older and it's harder now to travel, but my mind doesn't seem to care. I only seem to realize my limitations when I'm doing something too physical. Like walking for very long periods of time making me have leg cramps at night or my back to hurt like hell. Will my mind ever care enough to stop exploring? I imagine I won't stop travelling until I'm either infirm or dead. It's in my blood. And, as a safeguard to my memory, I have thousands of photos to remind me of my travels once I'm in that rocking chair rockin' and rollin'.
Another thought crossing my mind today was to short-sell my condo since I owe more than what it is worth now, and maybe I should just use the settlement to put down on a place in Costa Rica. But I really need to spend more time there before making that leap, that's for sure.
Yesterday I heard from yet another old friend from Southern Oregon, who now lives in Santa Cruz. Dor was disappointed that I wasn't moving to Santa Cruz to rent a house together but I said it was too expensive there. All-in-all, she's happy to know she can visit me in CR.
Looking around my condo and seeing all my stuff is overwhelming. I'll have pack and store and sell so much. Why can't I just settle down and grow old somewhere comfortable and stop my gypsy ways of moving around. I've lived in San Francisco and Pleasant Hill, California; Wolf Creek and Grants Pass, Oregon; Boulder, Colorado; Seattle and Edmonds, Washington. Oh, and a month in Venice, Italy. Man, that's a whole different story.
I'm glad to have had these experiences but wonder what would have happened if I had stayed put in one of those places so that now I would have that comfortable, and paid for, place to grow old. Choices we make in our lives follow us for the rest of our lives. There are always repercussions. Cause and effect. Lessons to be learned. New friends to love. Personally, I don't think I would have been happy to stay in one place for all my life. There is too much of the world I want to experience. Even now at my age. My is body getting older and it's harder now to travel, but my mind doesn't seem to care. I only seem to realize my limitations when I'm doing something too physical. Like walking for very long periods of time making me have leg cramps at night or my back to hurt like hell. Will my mind ever care enough to stop exploring? I imagine I won't stop travelling until I'm either infirm or dead. It's in my blood. And, as a safeguard to my memory, I have thousands of photos to remind me of my travels once I'm in that rocking chair rockin' and rollin'.
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